This is going to be a long post so just bear with me. I need to get this all out.
As I sit here on my bed at almost 3:00 am listening to a nonstop-mix of DDR 5th Mix (I've had a lot of coffee tonight), so many thoughts are running through my mind.
Not that this is anything new. The channels are constantly flipping in my head all the time with many images, fantasies, people, etc. The thing is I never considered this to be such a nuisance....until now.
I've realized the older I've been getting, the more my mind has become increasingly disorganized to the point that the mess that is going on in my head has seemed to manifest itself in real life. I look around my family's house and even though I've seen way worse messes in other friend's places, it's getting to the point where if it doesn't get picked up now, it's going to keep piling up and my family and I will just take glimpses at it and say to ourselves 'Oh, look. The house is a mess. I'm so tired though. I'll take care of it later.'
This kind of behavior has been a festering problem in our live for quite some time, especially on my end, as of late. It's not even just about the physical state of my current residence that has been the only negative thing. I feel like I have been going through some drastic changes in my personality and lifestyle that are both good and bad, but at the same time I have been dealing with some personal demons since mid-2014 after I decided to move back in with my folks after living with some roommates who are close friends for about five to six months.
The decision wasn't an easy one and it wasn't due to friction with my roommates. I wanted to move back in with my parents to save a bit more money to travel, buy a new car and a computer. I was paying a little over $600 for rent and electricity before I moved back which was actually not that much considering how expensive it is to live here in California.
Needles to say, I am now regretting that decision.
The negativity that has always been present in my life has gotten out of control and is getting worse by the day. For those of you who know me and my family, you know what the source of it is without having to think about it. In any case, the negative vibes in my household has dragged me down so much that I feel unmotivated, irritable, depressed (at times), angry and sad. It's always a relief when I can get out of the house for work or to hang out with friends to get away from the troubles at home. That's why I moved out in the first place: to start a new chapter in my life with new found freedom on my own.
But now I've realized that by distracting myself and then coming back to even worse negativity than before, I'm not only running away from my problems that need to be resolved, but I am also taking it with me unconsciously when I'm elsewhere other than the house. In turn, I feel like have been less open with my feelings and emotions towards people who matter. I feel like not only have I disconnected with my closest friends, but with myself as well. Everything that I used to be passionate about such as writing, playing video games for fun, reading and other things now just feel like another chore I don't want to deal with. Time and luck has not been kind to me recently, but I feel like that's more my fault than anything else
I feel like I have regressed a bit in my lifestyle and this shouldn't be happening at my age. I'm 31 years old with Bachelor of Science in Journalism that hasn't been put to valuable use yet and I'm still living with my folks. Don't get me wrong. I don't dislike my parents (well with the exception of one), but recently between my mom's current health situation, car problems, my erratic work schedule and other minor things that have added up in my life the past few weeks, it's been very difficult to remain positive and strong for so long. I've been putting things off and it has been overwhelming me where I feel like I'm drowning in an ocean of negative feelings. I haven't had anytime to absorb and reflect upon everything that has been happening until now.
However, not everything is so gloomy. The past few weeks has been a huge wake up call for me with all the bad luck that has been hovering over me recently. I am starting to see things much clearer now and that's what has been helping me cope with all these stressful situations that life has thrown my way. I actually sat down and typed a list of thing I want to do for the rest of 2014, 2015 and beyond. Call it my early New Year's Resolution bucket list. I talk about everything. Just the most important ones.
First and foremost, I have to get a new car. My white 1995 Buick Skylark overheated recently along with a slew of other problems that popped up shortly afterwards. I'm tired of putting money into an old car that's on it's last legs so I'm going to start looking for a Mazda or Nissan model at a price range I can afford. Secondly, I want to make an appointment for acquiring my passport. I've been wanting to travel overseas for so long now, but I keep being lazy about it. I'm planning on going on a trip to South Korea with one of my closest friends, Bonnie Baythavong from Texas (whose wedding I'm planning on attending) hopefully after next summer so getting that passport is a must. Thirdly, I want to start looking for a writing position that pays well; maybe something in the way of technical writing or a position as a columnist, reviewer or critic in gaming, music, movies and TV.
Speaking of gaming, like I said a few paragraphs ago, I feel like I have lost my passion for some of the things I enjoy in my life and gaming has been a big part of who I have become. I have accumulated a large library of games that I haven't even beaten or haven't played at all yet. I'm going to try and make more time to get back in touch with one of the things that has not only helped me grow as a competitive player, but as a person as well. I'll still be training and competing in games such as Ultra Street Fighter IV, Third Strike and the upcoming Super Smash Bros Wii U, but I will be making sure I don't lose sight of the fun factor and joy it breathes into my life.
Other things on my list of goals is to be better about saving up more money for essential necessities in my life such as the ones mentioned above as well for when I can find an affordable place to live one of these days again, Some concerts and events I want to attend (Wrestlemania 31, Nightwish, Freestyle Explosion, major gaming tournaments, etc), cleaning and organizing the house back to the way it used to be, writing more on a daily basis, educate myself through internet and library research on other important subjects I don't know a lot about and to start video blogging.
Last, but not least, I want to get back in touch and spend more time with the people who matter in my life; namely my family, my sister's husband's family and my closest friends who I have feel like I have distanced myself from both knowingly and unknowingly and for that I apologize. I just felt like I had to in order to focus on myself and do some deep soul-searching on where I'm headed for the rest of my life. Once again, I apologize to those I may or may not have hurt because of my non-responsive actions. I care about others deeply which I felt like has been both a blessing and a curse for the longest time. Recent events that have unfolded in my life has caused me to lose trust in people. Also I have become "friends" with too many people both online and offline that are more like acquaintances so I have decided I'm going to cut those people out who aren't really there for me when I need them the most or just ones who I rarely ever see. That doesn't include those live out of state or overseas since I keep in regular contact with them at events or online.
This has been a difficult process to reconnect, regroup and start a new chapter in my life that has gone awry for a while now with myself and others. I don't know what lies ahead in my future, but I'm going to make the most of it from here on out. I know I've preached the same mantra over and over again with some of you, but from now on my actions will speak very loudly this time. Less thinking, more doing and more happiness will be the theme for the rest of my life's story. One can only hope that I don't fall off the train this time.
